End of day 1 of cold turkey and the only thing I have to say is:
why the hell didn’t I do this in the first place?
I was a little nauseous this morning and I’m pretty tired, but otherwise, no crazy, shaky, angry freakout for the first time in four days.
I actually feel pretty much like myself.
Hallelujah.
Filed under: Depression, Health | Tags: anxiety, depression, Wellbutrin, wellbutrin taper, wellbutrin withrdrawal
After four hellish days trying to “taper” off of the Wellbutrin 150 XL I’ve been taking since December (and after another anxiety attack on Saturday), I’ve decided to go cold turkey. I’m convinced that the side effects I’ve been experiencing (email me if you want the password to yesterday’s post) are due to the fact that the buproprion (generic) 75 mg is a different drug than the buproprion XL. And since the tapering is supposed to make me feel BETTER and it’s actually made my life a living hell, I’d rather have the flu-like symptoms of cold-turkey buproprion withdrawal than what I’ve experienced for the past four days.
I should have taken my pill 2 hours ago, and already I’m achy, nauseous and have a tremendous headache. I also feel exhausted, despite actually sleeping for 7 hours last night.
However,about the time I’d reach the crazy, crying, pulling-out-my-hair anxious phase of metabolizing the 75 mg version, I have to be art-directing a photo shoot. No guarantee that I won’t go there today. I hope not (but if I do, I have an Atavan in my pocket and I won’t be afraid to use it). I hope I can say I’m just a bit under the weather today and leave it at that.
This whole experience makes me question using this drug again next winter, even though when it was good, it was fucking awesome.
I’ve had a few “readers” tell me to be careful of addiction over the past two years. I’d look at them quizzically because I don’t use street drugs and I hardly drink. Now I know what they were seeing: this addiction, this withdrawal. I hate it when they’re right about the bad things too.
Filed under: Depression | Tags: anxiety, buproprion taper, side effects, welbutrin taper, Wellbutrin
Filed under: body image, Depression | Tags: body image, diet, dieting, exercise, Fitness, mirena, weight loss. women's issues, wellbutrin withrdrawal
On Saturday, I was looking for feminine hygiene products in my bathroom cabinets and stumbled upon my measuring tape. It was tucked in next to my flab pincher–aka body fat measuring/torture device–in the corner of a cabinet.
I hadn’t taken my measurements since last June, when Steve and I went to see the trainer I’d been working with to get in shape for my 21st high school reunion trip to Vegas. When I started working with him in March 2008, my body fat was about 30 percent and my waist was 31.5 inches. At the June check-in, my body fat was down to 29 percent and my waist was 31 inches. Victory, albeit small. Blame the fucking Mirena.
He gave me the calipers and measuring tape when I told him I had to quit him because money got tight. I only used them once, last fall, and I was so disgusted I threw the instruments into the back of the cabinet. I was in the middle of my Mirena meltdown, when I was so bloated that my waist measured 36.5 inches. That’s a pregnant measurement, I tell you!
I’m still dealing with some bloating issues even with the Mirena gone, but if last fall was a 10/10 on the bloat scale, this spring has been about a 5. However, I haven’t had much luck shrinking my waist. I know–no such thing as targeted weight loss. The size of my ass proves that.
On Saturday, I didn’t use the calipers. I was too scared. However, I did do measurements. I feel disgusted:
42/34/44
Seriously. Ugh.
It was enough to get me back on the “I’m working out 5 days a week” kick I’m now on. Saturday, I took a rather lame Pilates ball class then did interval training on the eliptical. Sunday, I did a 1-hour Nia class, despite having a major breakdown on Saturday night and drugging myself to sleep with clonapin (weaning myself off of Wellbutrin has not been fun. At all.). Last night, I went to my salsa rehearsal class. We danced for about 40 minutes of the hour, and I broke a sweat, so I think it counts. And despite feeling like shit–I feel like I have the flu, all achy, nauseous, tired and with horrible ringing in my ears as I step down from 150 mg to 75mg to nothing–I am poised to go lift upper body and do 30 minutes of cardio tonight.
The Wellbutrin withdrawal has killed my appetite somewhat. I doubt I’m eating 1500 calories. Food just doesn’t sound good. In the back of my mind I’m hoping that the “anorexia effect” I’ve heard about will help me drop five pounds.
I can’t get over the fact that my waist is 34 inches. I mean, in the back of my mind, each day when I button up my size 12s and a bit of my belly flops over the waistband, I could tell I don’t have a 24-inch waist. But 34 inches? Seriously?
When I think about it, I feel hopeless. How in the hell am I going to get rid of this belly? Maybe this is the middle-age spread. Most of the women on my father’s side (whose body type I inherited) are bigger women. I SO wish I’d have inherited more than my mother’s smile and her family history of mental illness. She’s preternaturally skinny, and my half-brother and her mom are slim too. Damn you genetics!
Maybe I’ll never be skinny again. I’d be so happy if I can get my waist down to 30 inches. My ass usually shrinks in proportion, so I’d be more like 40/30/40, which is a nice curvy proportion for a 40-year-old mother of one, right?
And then I’d get lipo.
Joking.
Or maybe not joking.
Filed under: Days of Grace, Depression, Fitness, love and relationships | Tags: grace in small things
- a four-day weekend
- with lots of time to myself
- sleeping … and sleeping some more … and taking naps
- while listening to the rain against the roof
- two very good massages
- epsom salts for post-massage soaks
- after a couple of months away from doing pushups, I can still knock out 40 in a workout (but on my knees, but 40 nonetheless)
- taking time to take care of myself
- new prescriptions that will allow me to step down off the Wellbutrin, which has been at the base of my anxiety, over the next 2 weeks
- the basement is clean and organized, thanks to a day of hard work between me and Steve
- the house is clean, thanks to another day of hard work between me and Steve
- the garden is prepped for annuals (thanks to another few hours of joint hard work)
- tons of rain, so the dirt will be easy to dig in
- Judi, my new therapist, who is already helping me make inroads using a technique called PSYCH-K
- Walking into my office today, forgetting that I left it spotless last Thursday. What a treat not to walk into a mess. I’ll have to keep it up somehow.
- Dinner with Lauren tonight
- A two-day extension of our open enrollment, otherwise I would be SOL on benefits in 2009-2010.
- A three-day break from the computer. I was becoming addicted.
- Bing cherries on sale at Sunflower for $1.69 a pound
- Reservations at a cute Santa Fe B&B in just 9 days, followed by 2 weeks of blissful vacation
