One. I am on vacation — from work and from most of my online activities and from most TV and from most music. The past couple of days have been empty of forced sound, and I’ve loved hearing the things that are usually drowned out. Such as my windchimes, the voices of kids playing Marco Polo in the pool, birds singing, an airplane flying overhead, my daughter singing to herself in her room. I’m falling in love with quiet again.
Two. I’m beginning to think that Steve is cursed. Every time he builds up some cash, something big happens to wipe it out. Right now, his car warranty company is the culprit. We are having the car towed from the dealer to an indie shop, who will remove the engine and take it apart for a mere $750 (vs $1300 at Mike Shaw Saab, the vultures). Then the warranty company will send an inspector out to determine if his engine blew due to neglect on our part. Because the car is worth about $8,000, and rebuilding the engine is about $7,500, it’s likely that they will total the car and cut a check for what it would fetch at auction IF they find the engine blew due to no fault on our part. We may wind up out about $1,000, and still have to pay the fucking warranty’s monthly cost and still have to buy him a new car and still have to pay off the $7,000 he owes on the Saab. This situation is beyond fucked up, and we’re both scared about what will happen next.
Three. I don’t miss my job. I’m feeling a bit worried about my job, not being there, but I don’t miss it. I do, however, love the paycheck so I will be going back on Monday. But if I didn’t HAVE to, I wouldn’t.
Four. Today Lauren and I played three games of Clue. She won 2. She loves to be Miss Scarlet, as did I when I was a kid. She’s definitely the prettiest character–actually very sexy, with her cigarette holder and smoldering gaze–and she always gets to go first. We also rented two Wii games from Blockbuster: a putt-putt golf game and Dancing with the Stars. We played 2 rounds of mini-golf before her dad picked her up for dinner. It’s been so much fun hanging out with her. She’s very well-behaved and chill.
Five. On Friday, I threw myself a birthday party. Yes, maybe that was kind of sad, but screw it. Everyone who said they would come did come, except my sister-in-law and her family. I knew they were iffy, because her husband has been very sick lately–could have MS. I spent way too much money, but I had a lot of fun. For once, I didn’t worry about whether people were having a good time. I let go of control once the party started. And I think everyone did have a good time. So did I.
Six. Lauren and I are having a Girls Day on Thursday to celebrate her 8th birthday. First off, I can’t believe she’s 8. Secondly, she is getting more and more fun to be around. Third, I’m letting her pick the activities: right now, we’re getting a manicure/pedicure, having sushi for lunch (her favorite) and either going to see a movie or playing real mini-golf, depending on the weather. I think I’ll take her to Whole Foods for a short chair massage too–she loves those. Thursday night, we’re going to my parents’ for my dad’s famous Bill Burgers and cake. We’re both really excited about the day. She said that we need to have at least 2 girls days each year. I wholeheartedly agree.
Seven. Things I haven’t done on my vacation that I thought I would: checked my work email, taken lots of photos, written, watched a lot of movies, worked out every day, ridden my bike, taken care of some financial loose ends. Things I have done on my vacation that I didn’t think I would: slept in, took naps, worked on my garden (almost finished!), hung out with Lauren, had multiple massages (2 so far, with 2 more scheduled), read 2 books, gone to the ballet. Things I thought I’d do and did: went to Santa Fe, went salsa dancing, played with the ferrets, went to the gym during the middle of the day, stayed up late, kept up with my personal email and Facebook (but just barely) … and will go to the Denver/Boulder Blogher meetup this Saturday, even though I’m not going to Blogher.
Filed under: Random Tuesday Thoughts | Tags: anxiety, bad TV, core beliefs, depression, EFT, electra townie, gardening, Health, photography, psych-k, Random Tuesday Thoughts, Wellbutrin, women's issues, writing
Life feels better today
Today, I met with the MD again, and we agreed to a plan of stepping me down off the Wellbutrin XL. She gave me a scrip for the 75 mg SR version of the drug, which I am to take twice a day for five days, then once a day for five days, then be off until I feel like I need the support. She’s also given me a scrip for a faster-acting anti-anxiety med that I can use if I have another panic attack.
I don’t like the idea of having to use these drugs. At all. However, I need to get over it, because the bottom line is they make me able to function.
Update on new therapist Judi
At the same time, I’ve just started working with Judi, my new therapist, and after our first real session I believe that she’s the person I’ve been looking for to help me through this period of my life. I like her style. I like the fact that she recognizes I’ve done enough talk therapy over the past 5 years to make Woody Allen proud, but I’ve only moved about 500 yards from where I’ve started.
She uses a practice called PSYCH-K to “rewire” the subconscious beliefs that drive about 95% of behavior. I believe that thoughts are things, and thoughts are generated from personal and collective subconscious, so I can buy into this whole rewiring thing.
In fact, I’ve used self-help techniques such as affirmations and EFT for years to try to undo my self-destructive core beliefs. The problem is, without a guide, it’s hard to drill down to what those core beliefs are.
PSYCH-K uses muscle testing to identify which core beliefs are in action. Yesterday, Judi and I worked through a series of affirmations to get to the root of some of my discomfort. We tested a statement along the lines of I am good enough and I matter, and we got a mixed response (neither affirmative or negative).
So I told her to break it in two: I do believe I am good enough. However, I couldn’t even say the phrase I matter without crying.
Getting down to that core belief that I don’t matter is huge. I’ve been thinking about it for a full 24-hours now, and I can see how thinking I don’t matter drives so much of my behavior. Because I WANT to matter–to the world, to my family, to my friends, to Steve, to Lauren, to my coworkers, to my employer–so badly that I try to force it instead of just accepting the fact that it’s true without any effort on my part.
I have also exhibited behavior that reinforces the belief that I don’t matter. It’s one of the roots of my depression. It stems from being put up for adoption and goes from there.
Somehow, getting to that understanding lifted everything that felt heavy off of me yesterday.
Coincidence? Day 56
And today, concidently, I finally got my period after 55 days of waiting. Maybe the past 10 days have been one long bout of PMS, because, like usual, now that it’s here I feel much better emotionally. Physically, not so much. But I’ll take nausea and cramping over depression and anxiety any day.
Bad summer TV
Which brings me to this: There is no longer anything worth watching on TV, except So You Think You Can Dance, which is my favorite talent show, as I’ve mentioned before. That means I have all this free time. And energy. And I don’t quite know what to do with myself. Here are some of my ideas
Gardening: Both ferret-proofing the back 14-feet and moving some things around and planting annuals. I’m not sure that I can move my bleeding heart and hostas now without killing them, though. Thank god for the CSU Extension Office–I’ll call them tomorrow.- Photo-taking: Anyone want to be my model? I want to practice my portrait photography this summer. I also want to practice my candid crowd photography. Since I don’t have room or correct sun for veggie gardening, I usually hit the Cherry Creek Farmers Market a lot, which is a great place to shoot with my long lens.
- Writing: I have about 35 pages of a story that I think I could, with some effort, turn into a novel. A romance novel. Which I hate to read, but I think I’m destined to write. What else would all of those bad relationships have prepared me for? And since I have a laptop, I can sit outside on the patio near my little garden and write.
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I want this for my birthday! Send $$!
Biking: I haven’t been on my road bike in about 11 months. I was tempted to ride this weekend, but it rained (and rained, and rained, and rained) and I’m very catlike when it comes to getting wet. I think I’m in good enough shape to handle the 20-miles round-trip to the REI flagship and back on the Cherry Creek trail. I wish I had someone to ride with regularly still, but not crazy rides like those I led 2 years ago (come on, 50 miles and 10,000 feet of elevation gain every weekend?) I really, really want an Electra Townie bike in pink so that it’s easier for me to go on bike rides with Lauren. I mean who really wants to get all geared up to ride around the neighborhood? It’s almost $500, but maybe I’ll get some money for my birthday, which is a mere 2 weeks away.
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Cool wine aerator
Drinking wine: I bought this cool thing called a Vinturi Wine Aerator at Sur la Table yesterday (along with a new whetstone so I can sharpen my own knives). It makes cheap wine taste good and good wine taste great. We tried it on a two-day old (but sealed) bottle of Gustavo Thrace “The Third Bottle” red table wine last night, and it was FABulous. I picked up a bottle of Coppola Claret the other day after drinking it with Laurel the other night. $22 at the wine store–ouch! We still have three bottles from Steve’s wine of the month club selections to drink. Two are whites, not our favorites. Maybe if we pour them through the Vinturi they’ll taste better.
Filed under: Random Tuesday Thoughts | Tags: career, chicken enchiladas, ida marie, narcissism epidemic, random tuesday, recipe, work
Random Internet Surfing
I like the “next” button on my WordPress.com dashboard. Last night, I pushed it for an hour or so and found lots of interesting stuff, including a book about the “Narcissism Epidemic” and this great video by Ida Maria, a Norwegian rock chick who brings me back to my ’80s childhood roots:
Bugs
I’ve been having frustrating software issues on both computers lately. I think I’m missing a critical plug in–flash, maybe? Both say they’re fully updated, but I can’t get two critical pieces of work software (web editing and email newsletter editing) to work. Which means I get to remember how to code in html. Yuck.
Fashion
Tut, tut it looks like rain. But it’s also supposed to be in the high 60s or low 70s today. I’ve forgotten how to dress for this weather.
Work
Over the weekend, I took this career/personality/skills/personal attributes assessment called MAPP. In the end, you get a long, detailed description of what kind of work you are suited for. The free version doesn’t give you your top 10 career fields, just 11-20, and most of the report is redacted. So, I ponied up $39.95 to get the full report. My top 10 jobs?
- Creative Writing
- Fine arts teacher
- Reporter
- Librarian or information systems manager
- Actress
- Composer/conductor/music engineer
- Architect/interior designer/graphic designer
- PR and marketing
- Secretary/executive assistant
- Counselor/psychiatrist/social worker
Each of these is considered an equally good choice for me. The only surprises on this list are #5 and #6. Otherwise I’ve either done or considered doing the other jobs. I guess that means I know myself well. The rest of the report has me pretty spot on, so I think the list is accurate. I was disappointed not to receive earth-rending insight for my $39.95.
The other insight I gleaned from the report is that while I can handle details, I prefer not to, and when I’m forced to (think editing mailing lists, nitty-gritty event planning) I feel claustrophobic. I’d never been able to articulate how those things make me feel. I’m definitely a big picture kind of person.
So where to go from here? I think I’ll look at what it would take to become an architect at this point in my life, or maybe a psychiatrist. I believe I’d have to get a second undergrad degree and then a master’s degree, so those could be a long road. Or, I revisit the idea of an MBA in Marketing or a Masters in Management–whatever has the least amount of math. Especially in the current job market, I don’t believe I’ll be able to move up in my career with a bachelor’s degree. The competition is too stiff.
Or, maybe I’ll open up the 3-4 novels I’ve started in the past 10 years and see if any of them intrigues me enough to pick up again.
Cinco de Mayo
Today at work we’re having a potluck for Cinco de Mayo. Last night I made my famous chicken enchiladas. Steve and Lauren both whined about how I never make them chicken enchiladas. So, I’ll make some more tomorrow night. Here’s my recipe
1 fryer chicken
2 TBS cumin, 2 TBS dried oregano, 6 peppercorns, 2 bay leaves
1 onion, cut into 1/8s
4 cups water
1 can Stokes green chile with chicken
1 small can chopped green chiles
12 flour or 15 corn tortillas
1 small can sliced black olives
1 small bag shredded Mexican Cheese
- In a slow cooker, combine whole chicken, water, spices and onion. Cook on low for 6-8 hours, until meat is falling off the bone.
- Remove chicken and let cool. Strain out onions, reserving at least 1/2 cup of stock.
- Chop onions. Shred chicken into a large bowl.
- Add onions, Stokes, reserved stock and green chiles to the bowl. Mix well.
- Preheat oven to 350.
- Spoon a generous amount of chicken mixture into a tortilla, roll and place in a 9×13 baking pan. Repeat until mixture is gone.
- Pour enchilada sauce over rolled tortillas. Top with cheese and olives.
- Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes, until cheese is melted and meat is warmed.
- Devour!
Filed under: Random Tuesday Thoughts | Tags: blogging, budget, cats, chocolate, decisions, life, peeps, Random Tuesday Thoughts, sushi, Wellbutrin
It’s Tuesday, which means you get to read a regurgitation of the stuff in my head that’s so random it’s not even funny. Or maybe it is. You tell me. Because you people should really leave me more comments instead of lurking around.
- I can hardly sit still today. I want to be anywhere but where I am, even when I go someplace to get away from the place I was. If I could take a sabbatical from my body today, that would be great. However, I do not know how or where to score the necessary hallucinatory drugs to experience said sabbatical, and I don’t think I’d be brave enough to try them anyway.
- I’ve been thinking about coming off the Wellbutrin, especially given how irritable I’ve been lately. Is there a correlation? I’m also terrified of coming off the Wellbutrin, because what if I get depressed again? I’m too agitated to make a decision.
- Last night, I bought purple and pink Peeps on discount at the grocery store after watching this very cool Washington Post slideshow of Peep dioramas. They’re the purple and pink bird peeps, 6 of each. I love to eat them, but I want to make a Peeps scene too. Decisions, decisions.
- I also bought a chocolate Easter bunny, since I didn’t go to my mom’s this year, and she’s the supplier of said bunnies. I ate it last night in one sitting. It was delicious.
- Last night, Steve came home and did the chores he hasn’t gotten to. And I was so grateful and relieved. But still mad and frustrated so I didn’t say thank you or even acknowledge that he’d done anything. Which makes me mean.
- I want a job that pays me $80k a year to sit around and read blogs and comment on them all day.
- Tonight I get to take my kid to dinner. Usually we go to Chipotle, Noodles or a local Chinese or BBQ place. Tonight, I think we’ll get sushi, because it’s one of those days when I just say fuck it when I think of my budget. And sushi sounds really, really good. I may regret a $70 dinner with my kiddo when I get my credit card bill (because she can eat me under the table when it comes to sushi). But every once in a while, I like doing what I want to do and damn the consequences.
- On Saturday, I went to Ciji’s Natural Pet Food Store in Park Hill and had a long convo with the clerk. I wound up leaving with $30 of new cat food, which will last me about 2 weeks, and a probiotic supplement to try to quell the Great Vomiting Episodes of 2009. So far, so good. Only one puke detected so far, right in the middle of the basement steps. Which was lovely to discover as I stepped in it, barefoot.
- Sometimes, I find that my comments on other blogs are smarter, funnier and pithier than what I write on my own blog. I want to be one of those funny bloggers. But I start writing and it comes out as a big waahahahahahaha! Maybe I’ll start a category called Whine with that Cheese.
- Frosted Mini Wheats rock. Seriously. Good for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks, and they offer excellent fiber for those “obstructed” days.
- People don’t follow directions. Especially highly educated people. With PhDs. And when they don’t, it means more work for me, which makes me more irritable. How hard is it to click a link, then another link? Easier than replying to an email that clearly says DO NOT REPLY, PLEASE RESPOND TO THE EVITE BY CLICKING THIS LINK. Sheesh.
Filed under: Random Tuesday Thoughts | Tags: dating, home improvement, life, MORE magazine, parenting, random tues, santa fe, spa, vacation
- It must be spring, because I’m feeling incredibly productive. You should see the punch list at home. I made it on Sunday night and I’m about 1/3 of the way done.
- I’m disappointed that I couldn’t get myself back out the door last night to see Dooce at the Tattered Cover. The idea of sitting in rush-hour traffic for 45 minutes just slayed me. Besides, there were a few things on the punch list that were calling my name.
- I got the dresser finished last night, and it’s now set up in my room. I’m surprised that I’m actually a little short on space.
- The cute guy at the coffee shop flirted with me again today, complimenting me on my outfit AND my haircut. Such a great way to start off the day.
- Last night, I came upon my childhood/adolscent/college diary. Or should I call it the Chronicle of Lynn’s Crushes. Oh, I was so sure that I was in love with every boy I had a crush on. Then, the relationship would fall apart over something. I only broke up with one boy in the whole diary. Some of my writing was quite depressing, and a bit painful to read. So much agnst! The funniest part, though, was the short letter I wrote to “my future husband,” (I promise to love you through your highest highs and your lowest lows!!) which is on the page opposite of the list of the guys I slept with in high school and college. Steve, in particular, found that to be quite funny.
- I’m going to look up all the crushes on Facebook. Especially Mike Lanning, The One Who Got Away in 8th grade.
- Does anyone call it “asking you” anymore? The diary is filled with my longing for a boy to “ask me”, which I believe meant asking me to go steady/be his girlfriend. I was such an awkward duck, not popular, not pretty, very shy in middle school and I just wanted to be ASKED so I could GIVE OUT THE LOVE that burned in my heart.
- I got Lauren’s gifted/talented scores from Denver Public Schools a few days ago. The letter says that she doesn’t qualify for the GT program in her current district. Which is odd, because the exact same scores qualified her as “highly qualified” in Cherry Creek School District, which is unquestionably the best in the state. She’s still on the wait list for the Challenge School, which is one of the best schools in Colorado. If another highly qualified kid leaves the program between now and Aug. 30, then she may be drawn randomly from the pool to get that spot. Her current GT teacher wants to talk to her dad and me about the plan for 3rd grade. But the plan will be more like it is now, which isn’t much. Maybe I’m projecting, because for a long time I was the smart kid stuck in class with the average kids and I got bored out of my mind.
- I love Free Pizza Tuesdays at work. My digestive system will give me hell later, but mmm it’s so worth it.
- I’m taking two weeks of vacation in June. The relief of this decision feels like cool water sluicing down my skin on a sweltering day. I’m trying to convince Laurel, whose birthday is three days before mine, to take a short birthday trip to a spa with me. Steve and I will go to Santa Fe for a couple of days. Then the rest of the time is MINE, ALL MINE.
- I wish it were two months, instead of two weeks.
- The other day, someone left a copy of MORE in the bathroom. I liked it. Which means I’m too old to read Cosmo anymore.
