human, being

Apparently, I’m not allowed
June 19, 2009, 5:08 pm
Filed under: therapy | Tags: , , ,

Today Judi, my therapist, and I began working on my core beliefs around money. We’re using a process called PSYCH-K, which uses a variety of energy points, body postures, movements, affirmations and muscle testing to identify and reformat misaligned subconscious beliefs. Yes, yes, a little “out there,” but then a lot of the stuff that seems to work for me tends to be unconventional. The conventional stuff helps a bit, but it seems to get more at the symptoms than the root cause of issues (see every blog since April re: Wellbutrin).

A little on the process

We use the process to identify which subconscious beliefs are driving certain situations in my life. I stand up with my chin level, eyes down and open and left arm extended. Judi asks me to repeat statements or answer questions. After each one, she tells me to “be strong,” then pushes down gently on my extended arm. If my arm moves, the answer is No or Weak. If my arm doesn’t move, the answer is Yes or Strong.

I’ve found that I can almost tell what the reaction will be when she asks the question or says the statement. For example:

  • My name is Lynn (yes)
  • My name is George (no)
  • Yes, yes, yes (strong)
  • No, no, no (weak)

Sometimes I can feel the Yes or No in my body before she touches my arm. Sometimes I can’t feel anything. Maybe I’m manipulating the result through my thoughts, maybe not. All I know is this work has led me to some interesting places so far.

After the initial setup, we start working on affirmations about the issue we’re working on. For example, around my beliefs about money:

  • Rich people are good people (no/weak)
  • I easily manifest more than what I need in abundance (no/weak)
  • Money is good (yes/strong)

When I get a weak/no response, we work on rewiring that belief by using different techniques, then retest the statement. If it’s still a weak/no, then we do another technique. If it’s strong, then we move on to a new statement.

I’m not allowed

Today while prone on a massage table, Judi standing over me with her index fingers pressing into the “sore spots” under my collarbones (the energetic spots for “self-worth”), it came to me that I’m not allowed to be rich. I’m not allowed to be thin. I’m not allowed to have a job that fulfills me personally and financially. I’m not allowed to NOT struggle and fight for the things I want. I’m not allowed to have an abundance of friends who stay close by. I’m not allowed to have nice things that stay nice. I’m not allowed to live my life in a healthy body. I’m not allowed to have anything in abundance–love, money, health, friends, nice things, etc., etc.. I’m NOT ALLOWED.

So, if I’m doing my best to live in a state of wealth consciousness–wealth being more than money, but the whole realm of abundance of good things–yet on a subconscious level I believe I’m not allowed to have and, more importantly, to KEEP wealth, there’s a problem. Because the Spiritual Law of Attraction works on what you allow into your life. And while I’ve had all of these things for short periods of time, they never stick. Which means I’m only allowing so much good to come into my life. I don’t deserve more. I don’t deserve to have it all. So the Universe hears that, and I manifest all sorts of situations in my life that reinforce all of my core beliefs. That’s how it works.

Today, as I meditated on the thought I am worthy of all the good life has to offer, I realized that  believe I’m only allowed to have so much. If I actually get all that I really want, then I become self-destructive, because (drumroll please) …

Having everything I really want is SELFISH.

(Thanks, Mom.)

(Doesn’t it feel great to blame someone for your own fucked-upedness?)

So, see, I’m allowed to have SOME good things, but just all the good things I want. And certainly not all at the same time. When I get more than what I’m allowed, then my subconscious puts out a call to the Universe for help to clear out some of this shit so I can get back into balance of what I AM allowed to have.

For example, just as I was paying off my credit cards last summer, after two years of very diligent work, Steve lost his job. Which meant that the cushion I was enjoying because he was paying half (vs. now 30%) of the bills went away. Which meant that the things I was once again used to buying with cash I started putting on credit. Which meant that one year later I’m almost maxed out again. Now, I’m not saying that I have the power to cause a multi-billion-dollar company (Countrywide) to go out of business and cause my partner to lose his job. However, because I have these core beliefs in place, and Steve lost his job, my reaction wasn’t one of tightening my belt but one of, “Oh well, it’s par for the course, and here I go back into debt again.”

And the kicker is this: I believe it’s OK to have an abundance of things I DON’T want, such as body fat, health issues, stress, debt, car accidents, bad boyfriends, etc., etc. Because SOMEONE on this earth needs to be a martyr and it may as well be me.

I’ve never had this insight before, and I’ve been working on personal insight as a part-time job since 2004. Maybe I’d have gotten here eventually, but I’m clear that my self-worth issues and my “not allowed” issues are twisted up in each other. I don’t believe in coincidences, and Judi was holding those self-worth points when I had this little insight.


Days of Grace: 107/365
June 19, 2009, 4:13 pm
Filed under: Days of Grace | Tags:
  1. Small breakthroughs in therapy: I’m not “allowed” to (insert good thing here)
  2. Finding an honest mechanic
  3. Who tells us that Steve’s car may not need a new engine after all
  4. Amazing twinges of intuition I’ve had lately
  5. I’m going to be an aunt again! My little sister is pregnant with #2.

OMG I just scored a ticket to Blogher
June 18, 2009, 4:00 pm
Filed under: blogging | Tags: , , , ,

The event is sold out, but I put myself on the waitlist for the heck of it. Blogher, for those of you who are not women bloggers, is the biggest conference for women bloggers in the United States. This year, it’s in Chicago in late July.

On Saturday, I’m going to a pre-conference meet and greet of Denver/Boulder bloggers. I was planning to attend just to meet new people in my area (because as a grown-up, how often do you get to meet new friends)? Now I can see if I can score a roommate for the 2 nights to defray some of the costs. (And because I think the rooms may be sold out at the hotel). I’ve also just decided that if I can, I will use miles to fly there, unless I can find a fare for under $200.

Also, I might be able to go hang with my friends Eleni and Eric and their new baby for a day. They live outside of Chicago.

I just got an email and have no details in place. This is the best belated birthday present I could ask for!

Days of Grace: 106/365
June 18, 2009, 3:54 pm
Filed under: life | Tags:
  1. Bacon
  2. A whole day of fun with Lauren
  3. Air conditioning
  4. Bottled water when you’re really thirsty and forgot your eco-aluminum water container
  5. My parents for throwing Lauren’s family birthday party tonight

Days of Grace: 105/365
June 17, 2009, 8:27 am
Filed under: Days of Grace | Tags:
  1. Zyrtec to counter the cloud of cottonwood spore that’s attacking Denver
  2. Lauren’s burgeoning culinary skills. She can now make toast, scrambled eggs, PBJs, pasta
  3. Relaxation
  4. My garden, which is finally looking great
  5. Wii

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Seven things
June 16, 2009, 4:42 pm
Filed under: Parenting & Co-Parenting, Random Tuesday Thoughts

randomtuesdayOne. I am on vacation — from work and from most of my online activities and from most TV and from most music. The past couple of days have been empty of forced sound, and I’ve loved hearing the things that are usually drowned out. Such as my windchimes, the voices of kids playing Marco Polo in the pool, birds singing, an airplane flying overhead, my daughter singing to herself in her room. I’m falling in love with quiet again.

Two. I’m beginning to think that Steve is cursed. Every time he builds up some cash, something big happens to wipe it out. Right now, his car warranty company is the culprit. We are having the car towed from the dealer to an indie shop, who will remove the engine and take it apart for a mere $750 (vs $1300 at Mike Shaw Saab, the vultures). Then the warranty company will send an inspector out to determine if his engine blew due to neglect on our part. Because the car is worth about $8,000, and rebuilding the engine is about $7,500, it’s likely that they will total the car and cut a check for what it would fetch at auction IF they find the engine blew due to no fault on our part. We may wind up out about $1,000, and still have to pay the fucking warranty’s monthly cost and still have to buy him a new car and still have to pay off the $7,000 he owes on the Saab. This situation is beyond fucked up, and we’re both scared about what will happen next.

Three. I don’t miss my job. I’m feeling a bit worried about my job, not being there, but I don’t miss it. I do, however, love the paycheck so I will be going back on Monday. But if I didn’t HAVE to, I wouldn’t.

Four. Today Lauren and I played three games of Clue. She won 2. She loves to be Miss Scarlet, as did I when I was a kid. She’s definitely the prettiest character–actually very sexy, with her cigarette holder and smoldering gaze–and she always gets to go first. We also rented two Wii games from Blockbuster: a putt-putt golf game and Dancing with the Stars. We played 2 rounds of mini-golf before her dad picked her up for dinner. It’s been so much fun hanging out with her. She’s very well-behaved and chill.

Five. On Friday, I threw myself a birthday party. Yes, maybe that was kind of sad, but screw it. Everyone who said they would come did come, except my sister-in-law and her family. I knew they were iffy, because her husband has been very sick lately–could have MS. I spent way too much money, but I had a lot of fun. For once, I didn’t worry about whether people were having a good time. I let go of control once the party started. And I think everyone did have a good time. So did I.

Six. Lauren and I are having a Girls Day on Thursday to celebrate her 8th birthday. First off, I can’t believe she’s 8. Secondly, she is getting more and more fun to be around. Third, I’m letting her pick the activities: right now, we’re getting a manicure/pedicure, having sushi for lunch (her favorite) and either going to see a movie or playing real mini-golf, depending on the weather. I think I’ll take her to Whole Foods for a short chair massage too–she loves those. Thursday night, we’re going to my parents’ for my dad’s famous Bill Burgers and cake. We’re both really excited about the day. She said that we need to have at least 2 girls days each year. I wholeheartedly agree.

Seven. Things I haven’t done on my vacation that I thought I would: checked my work email, taken lots of photos, written, watched a lot of movies, worked out every day, ridden my bike, taken care of some financial loose ends. Things I have done on my vacation that I didn’t think I would: slept in, took naps, worked on my garden (almost finished!), hung out with Lauren, had multiple massages (2 so far, with 2 more scheduled), read 2 books, gone to the ballet. Things I thought I’d do and did: went to Santa Fe, went salsa dancing, played with the ferrets, went to the gym during the middle of the day, stayed up late, kept up with my personal email and Facebook (but just barely) … and will go to the Denver/Boulder Blogher meetup this Saturday, even though I’m not going to Blogher.

Days of Grace: 104/365
June 16, 2009, 1:03 pm
Filed under: Days of Grace | Tags:
  1. Reading in bed in the morning
  2. Hanging out with Lauren all day
  3. Sam at Import Sports Performance in Denver, who is going to help us with the Saab at half of what the dealer was going to charge
  4. Steve has money in the bank … in case his car is totaled out
  5. Free Subway sandwiches (at least there’s one perk coming from his job)