human, being

My new normal?
March 8, 2009, 10:52 am
Filed under: Depression | Tags: , , , ,
Crocus Tommasiniaunus, from Hakanus flikr photostream

Crocus Tommasiniaunus, from Hakanu's flikr photostream

Most years, I count the days to Daylight Saving Time. DST means relief for my depression. It means more sunlight, longer days, more melatonin regulation. Usually, I can feel myself coming awake again, like the crocuses I watch emerge from the ground. DST day is a day of celebration for me, the end of the winter rollercoaster that has more deep lows than high highs (that’s August and September for me).

This year, I totally forgot about DST day. Ryan reminded me last night that we had to spring forward.

It’s the Wellbutrin. This drug that I have dreaded taking changed my experience of late winter. Not only was it bearable, it was downright pleasant. I can look back on blogs I wrote during December-March in past years and compare them to this year, and it is night and day. Rarely did I blog about dreary things this season. Rarely did I complain. That’s 180 degrees from where I have been in past years. Not to mention that after I started the Wellbutrin, I missed exactly one day of work due to depression, and that was the day before my last period.

I feel good. Maybe even great, now that the dreaded Great Virus of February 2009 has completely left my system. My period is still out of whack (last month’s cycle was 25 days, this month’s is 31 days and counting, and no, I’m not pregnant), but every month the pms is a little better. I have a lot of energy, both physical and mental. I’m feeling quite creative, and once we get back from Napa, I’m going to look for a writing class, maybe something online at Lighthouse Writers Workshop. Finding those short-shorts and some other poems yesterday, coupled with a comment from my mom, of all people, that it’s a shame that I’m not writing poetry anymore because I am “such a beautiful poet,” (have I ever mentioned that my mom is incredibly stingy with compliments?) makes me want to write poetry again. I feel like I don’t know how anymore, though, thus the class.

Usually April, May, June, October and November are my most prolific writing months, so this craving to write is nothing new, just early, unexpected.

So, I’m feeling good, better than I usually do on March 8. And I attribute feeling good to the chemical balance in my brain, thanks to Wellbutrin. My doctor and I had talked about having me step off of the drug slowly this month, so that by mid-May I’d be off it entirely. Now, I’m second-guessing that decision. I am afraid that if I do, I will get depressed. At the same time, I’m nervous that if I don’t get off the drug then I’ll get manic. What to do, what do to.

The bottom line is I want to continue to function at my current level of emotional/mental/physical energy for a long time. I want this state of being to be my new normal. I just have to figure out how to make it so.


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