human, being

A letter to my uterus
April 8, 2009, 11:46 pm
Filed under: Health | Tags: , , , , ,

Dear Uterus,

I know, you’re a little exhausted after all 40 years of your existence. I know! I haven’t exactly been the gentlest owner. All of those birth control substances and devices messed with your controls. And of course, there were the three surgeries on the cervix, not exactly fun for you, I’m sure. I’ve invaded your privacy with a lot of photographs too–more ultrasounds than any uterus should ever experience. You got all stretched out from carrying my beautiful crazy smart Lauren for all 37 weeks of her gestation, and in the end, you got invaded by a long needle. I know that wasn’t fun. And those few years in college? Well, I can only explain those as youthful adventures.

I mean, we’ve had some good times along the way, too … haven’t we? I can remember a few orgasms we shared that blew my freaking mind! Oh, what’s that? Those don’t count because you were doing all the work and I was just laying there? OK. You’re right. I’m sorry. My bad.

Maybe you’re feeling a little resentful.

Maybe I haven’t shown you the love and attention you feel you deserve.

Because you are punishing me, right? You paying me back for all of the slights I’ve given you over the years. You’re torturing me right now, at this very instant.

Would you please make up your freaking mind?

Since October, you’ve been nothing but a pain in the … well, you know. First you unleashed a torrent of held-back stuff, after 7 years of being plugged up with the fucking Mirena. Then, nothing for 8 weeks. Then, in January, you decided to flood me for days! The cramps, the clots, the disgusting, embarrassing messes! The cartons of tampons and pads!

In February, you were a tease. Everything seemed normal–just a little cramping as a reminder that you, my dear, are the one in charge of half my life. Right?

Then last month, you’re all coy. Not a drop of blood. I blew $45 on pregnancy tests and spent several sleepless nights thinking about having to change diapers at 3 am again. If you could laugh, I bet you would have been howling.

And now, you’re just being mean. First, you spot for a week, then you bleed heavier, then light, then heavy for a few hours, then nothing for 10. How is a girl supposed to plan a wardrobe around such nonsense? It’s spring, for god’s sake and I want to wear my white pants!

Not to mention, I’d really like to have sex sometime soon. But the bloating and the bleeding, well, not much of a turn on for either of us. It’s been 10 days of bleeding, uterus. Would you please knock it off?

The doctors say you’re healthy and fine. What do they know? Either you’ve gone off your meds and you’re now schizophrenic, or you’re a vengeful bitch who enjoys making my life miserable.

I’m too young for this. I’m not 40 for two more months! If you’re starting to punk out on me, please tell me directly instead of sending these cryptic messages. I’m on Twitter, you know. And Facebook. Hell, leave me a comment here! You know how to reach me. If you need more estrogen or progesterone or whatever, just tell me and we’ll get you some, stat! Whatever makes you feel better, baby.

Uterus, whatever you’re pissed off about, I ask you–BEG you–to get over it. I’ve forgiven you for all of those days I spent doubled over with nausea and cramps, all the fun things I missed out on because you made me ill. Can’t we call it even?



1 Comment so far
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Ah the dreaded Mirena…

Dear Pseudo Genius That Thought Up This Contraception Contraption,

Fuck you.


Comment by Gem

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