human, being

I’ve been such a bitch
April 13, 2009, 10:42 am
Filed under: love and relationships, work | Tags: , , ,

When Steve told me he was taking this job, I was so depressed. I hate the restaurant industry. I hate the hours it makes people work. I hate the lifestyle it makes them live.

Steve took this job because it was his only option. I know that and I hate it. I feel that the company is stringing him along, because he’s still not in the job he was hired to do, and they are very fuzzy about timelines and criteria he needs to meet in order to get into that job.

He did not apply to be a general manager, and they tell him the didn’t hire him to be a general manager. So where’s the district manager job he’s supposed to be in? The one that requires about 50 hours a week, that puts him home for dinner and by noon on Saturdays? That’s the job I signed up to support, not this bullshit of 70- to 80-hour weeks of hard, physically and mentally exhausting labor.

Sunday was his day off. He was so exhausted all day he could hardly keep his eyes open. He fell asleep so deeply in the afternoon that it took him about 30 minutes to wake up fully. We went to bed last night at 9 and he was asleep almost immediately.

He doesn’t have time to do his laundry, get a haircut, go for a run. He leaves by 630 am and rarely gets home before 8 pm. Even on Saturdays. He is supposed to have Ryan from Friday through Sunday, but lately he’s barely seen him 4 hours each weekend.

I feel bad for him, but lately I’ve gotten so tired of supporting him. Part of this is his own doing, because he is a workaholic. He chooses to stay an extra two, four, six hours to get just one more thing done. That feels like he’s choosing work over us, over himself, over the family. He sees it as a temporary choice, and believes that the sooner things are under control, the sooner he can back off the hours.

I’ve watched all of this going on with resentment. For the past four months, it’s been me doing the majority of the cleaning, the laundry, the house projects–his jobs. He hasn’t noticed. Not just because he’s a guy (and not noticing is part of the male genotype) but because he’s too exhausted to notice.

I’ve been such a bitch to him. I’ve gotten mad at him and held a grudge because he isn’t “pulling his weight” around the house. He hasn’t been doing anything for me, such as seeing me, complimenting me, being romantic, taking me out on dates, initiating sex. And I’ve been whining about what I need him to give me. Last night at dinner, I told him that he needs to figure out a way to give me more than what he’s giving me now if he wants me to be there on the other side of this. Some of this comes from a fear that he’d not be there for me if the tables were turned.

How is this behavior making me a supportive partner? Aren’t we supposed to be there for each other through the best and worst? I’ve been acting like a martyr. I’ve been acting from a place of resentment instead of love. It’s not like he’s being mean and forgetful and blind because he doesn’t love me, or he doesn’t want to be with me.

He just has nothing left over to give.

I want things to be easy between us. I want him to be happy and self-confident, because when he’s that way, we’re that way.  I want us back, and I’m a big baby because things are so hard right now. I’m feeling forgotten and invisible. Each day that this goes on makes me feel just a little more disconnected from him.

I think he does need to back off of work, even five hours a week, so he can have something left for himself, me and the family. I understand why he is making the choices he’s making. I don’t like the choices regardless.

But I also could do a better job of remembering compassion, of acting from a place of love. And trusting that doing so will be worth it.


1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

Just wanted to offer my heartfelt sympathies – the hospitality industry can certainly take it’s toll. In these times when we are left with few choices, the support of family is sometimes the only reason to keep going.

I hope that it gets better for both of you, and that hubby finds a balance which makes you feel like it’ll all be worth it.

Comment by Jelly

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: