human, being

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Like everyone else, I’ve been paying attention to the news coverage about the H1N1 flu virus — aka swine flu, hybrid flu, Mexico flu (because, according to Israel, pigs are not kosher and therefore it would be hurtful to Jewish people to have unkosher-named virus). And here’s what I think. (Because I know you’re dying to know.)


  1. We are at the beginning of a zombie movie. Soon, the World Governments will be force-vaccinating all human beings. The vaccination will cause the virus to mutate into a zombie-creating syndrome that turns our pupils red and makes us ravenous for brains. We will all become zombies, as in 28 Days, not Night of the Living Dead.
  2. 100 years from now, our great-grandchildren will look back at the Great H1N1 Pandemic of 2009 and think regretfully about all of our naivete. We didn’t act fast enough. Too many people poo-poo’ed the idea of handwashing. Now all human beings — Swinevivors, as they are now called — live in sealed bubbles because of depleted immune systems.
  3. H1N1 flu is the pestilence that is to sweep over the land before Armageddon. We all know this, right? Because December 21, 2012 is only964 days away, and that’s when the world will end.


I think a new virus is a little unnerving, but I’m not panicking. If it were like Ebola, or like the virus portrayed in the movie we saw last night (L: Change the World, a Death Note movie), which was a combination of a virulent flu and Ebola, then I would be the first in line for a sleeve of duct tape and plastic wrap to seal myself into my house. After all, I have VPN and can work remotely from home.

I’m also no world health expert, so if WHO thinks we need to be at the equivalent of security alert orange, so be it. I’m all for interesting the world in a little more handwashing and convincing those who are ill to NOT share the wealth by coming to work or sending their sick kids to school where my kid can pick it up. A little good comes from every crisis.

However, I do have a realistic conspiracy theory, not about the virus itself but about the coverage of the virus:

  1. The 24-hour news cycle and Internet needed new fodder. We can only be reminded so often that we are in “tulmultuous economic times.”
  2. In America, fear makes people spend money. People have not been spending money. Remember after 9/11, how the economy crashed and the government responded by scaring us to death about “being prepared”? Those of you who went out and spent $500 on food, radios, supplies and the like, raise your hand. (See, my hand is up). What’s scarier than the idea of losing your job? Dying from a mystery virus that makes you bleed out of your eyeballs and fingernails. Or cough yourself to death. I bet Purell’s market position has improved tremendously in the past week.
  3. I’d like to say there is a conspiracy between advertisers and news outlets, but that would be ridiculous and un-American. It’s a free press after all.
  4. The best way to control human beings is to make them afraid. Anyone else notice a pattern since 2001?

Last night, the Denver news reported 2 confirmed cases of H1N1 virus in Denver. Was I surprised? No.

But that’s because yesterday I looked up the CDC’s numbers for the “regular” flu for the past season: nearly 26,000 confirmed cases (many more were unconfirmed, like the case I know I had in January but never was tested for flu).  55 kids died from the flu in the 08/09 season . That’s just in the United States.

People get viruses every single day and some infected people will die. Because death by virus is so commonplace, it is not news … unless the virus is a mutant. (Wait, is there a connection between a mutant virus and the new Wolverine the Mutant Movie? Aha! Yet another conspiracy!)

964 days from now, as the Earth stops rotating on its access and we all fly off into airless space, I may eat these words. Until then, I’ll ignore the hype and refuse to panic. And wash my hands a lot. Because there’s nothing wrong with good hygiene … just in case.


1 Comment so far
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I like your theories. Suppose I’d better go buy a chainsaw in case your zombie theory proves correct….

As far as I know we have no confirmed cased here in Australia. So it’s still safe to lick pigs I guess.

Comment by Jelly

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