human, being

May 15, 2009, 2:59 pm
Filed under: Depression | Tags: , , ,

I had a full-blown panic attack today. The stress of the worsening undulations of my relationship with Steve, stress over my ex’s assholishness, my job, my body, money — all of this came to a head this morning on the way to work.

I could not breathe. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I sobbed into the office, shut my door, called my doctor’s office. They had an opening at 10 am with a doc I’ve never seen. The receptionist told me one name, and when I got there, it was actually another doctor. I sobbed louder. They put me in a room.

I don’t know how to describe the experience except as a full-fledged falling apart. My heart was racing–100 bpm. My blood pressure was at least 10 points high. I couldn’t sit still. I paced the tiny room. And paced. And paced.

I haven’t been sleeping well, if at all. Steve and I have been fighting. A Lot. Like every day. Last night, as I was falling asleep, Ithought, “I hate this.” Instead, what tumbled out of my Ambien-stoned mouth was “I hate you.” Which he heard. And subsequently slept on the couch.

My anxiety is so high that every part of my body is screaming at me. My sciatica, GERD, IBS. And now I have a lovely virus on top of it that has my head and throat so sore I want to scream (instead I made myself an ice cream shake). I haven’t eaten much for the past week. I have had a lot of water at least.

So I sat in the doctor’s office, and I confessed that I am not only experiencing unbearable amounts of anxiety, but also my depression is worse. Wellbutrin, which I believe has kept me afloat during the past 5 months, can cause anxiety. And since I’m now getting a lot of sunlight, and I can get a little manic by late summer (really, just crazy-high energy on little sleep), I wondered if the drug is making me manic, or maybe just causing this panic, or exacerbating it.

As I always do when I am an emotional mess, last night I considered suicide. Considering is different than planning, although I’ve planned it enough in the past that I know exactly what I’d do. However, I will not do that to Lauren, no matter what. In my fucked-up head, thinking about offing myself is less about offing my physical self than offing all the things that feel like they are murdering me right now.

The doctor was very nice. He finagled me an appointment with a psychiatrist early Tuesday morning so I can see what I might do about the meds I’m on. He wrote me a prescription for Clonazapam. He tried to get the clinic’s psychologist to see me, but she was too busy. He drew my blood to make sure my thyroid levels are OK, because when I had a nervous breakdown in 2005, it was triggered by my TSH being 13.8. (It should be 0.5-1.5.) I overheard him on the phone calling me an acute suicide risk, which almost made me laugh. In the light of day, killing myself seems ridiculous, unthinkable. It’s just in the middle of the night that I think about ending this pain I’m in.

Sunday was to be our wedding day. Steve’s job stole that from us, because the people he works for are fucking cheap. He works his ass off and is earning them a lot of money. But they still haven’t put him in the District Manager position despite his turning a dog of a store into the third busiest in the franchise in 5 weeks. And he has nothing left. I feel jealous of his job and his crew, because they get the pleasure of his company, his energy, his enthusiasm, and I get the carcass that sits on the couch, overexhausted.

I tried to do some work yesterday and today, but I just want to tell everyone I’m encountering to fuck off. I need my job, even if it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I really need it, and I don’t need to be unprofessional and piss people off. But I can hardly bite my tongue. This one guy I’m working with is commandeering a simple brochure, making it more than it needs to be, stirring up politics that have been somewhat settled after two years of work. I almost told him specifically to fuck off today, but instead I picked up the phone and made the appointment to see the doctor.

On top of all this, I’m pretty sure I’m starting menopause. I’m 39. I’ve skipped 2 periods in 5 months and 2 others have been very light, mostly spotting. I’m not having hot flashes, but the anxiety, chest pains, racing pulse, inability to breathe, all of that could be related to the changing state of my body.

Put all of this together, and I just could not hold it together.

The doctor said no one can hold up under the pressure I’m feeling, and that I did the right thing to come in. At least he got me an appointment with the outpatient psych clinic, because I’d called and left 2 messages and never heard back. Hopefully I only need go there a few times. I don’t want to change my meds, but maybe I’m going to have to. Maybe just stopping the Wellbutrin will make all the difference.

I need to find a therapist who can help me figure out my feelings and either get them under control or let them go.

Now, I’m getting sleepy from the drug. My throat hurts. My head hurts. My life is unbearable at the moment.


4 Comments so far
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That’s terrible – I hope your load lightens soon. A combination of the right neurochemistry and therapy can work wonders.

In the mean time, I don’t know if you do yoga, but the mindful deep breathing may help with the anxiety and stress…

Comment by Derende

Hey Lynn I hope you get to feeling better I just wanted to let you in on something that has brought some clarity in my life though I have never gone through what you r going through. A friend of mine introduced be to Nichiren Buddhism, “think Tina Turner in what’s love got to do with it” In short you chant nam-myoho-renge- kyo and that not only calms you it unleashes strength,knowledge,wisdom and compassion and you realize you are in charge of everything in your life even when bad things happen you are in control of how you will react to them. In other words no one can “make” you mad or upset or even happy for that matter. Now I have just started my journey with this faith but i have already found it freeing and non- judgemental. just a thought if you wa

Comment by cheryl turner

Sorry I hit the wrong key anyway if you want more info let me know and I hope you feel better.

Comment by cheryl turner

Oh my goodness! What a horrible ride you are on! I’m sending you all my very best thoughts and wishes and dearly hope that by the time you read this that you will be feeling better. And well done on getting to the doctor. My experience with depression and anxiety has also been one of denial and self-loathing and I think it is great that you understood yourself enough to know it was time to get help. Very well done. Don’t forget to breathe, OK. XXXXX

Comment by Squilla

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