human, being

the thing is …
May 17, 2009, 9:15 pm
Filed under: life | Tags: , ,

The only way out is though. ~ Alanis Morrisette

So I have to go through whatever it is I have to go through. And since writing is a part of my therapy, I will write about it. If my honesty is difficult for you to read, I suggest you avert your eyes. But maybe you’ll learn something about your own journey by observing mine.

Perhaps it’s “dangerous” to expose myself in this way. After all, when you write something on the Internets, it’s pemanant. Maybe I’m being wreckless. Or maybe, just maybe, I am being honest.

There’s a reason why my blog is called Human, Being. Often I think we’re human doings, not human beings. When was the last time you took a moment to just “be”? Yeah, that’s what I thought. You, like me, probably have no idea what that really means, to just be. I’m not talking about hippy-trippy living off the grid, relaxing in nature and eschewing the world. I’m talking about less doing and more being.

I don’t know how to do that, exactly. I think it sounds quite scary because it means waking up, living authentically in terms of soul expression. It means digging deep and forgiving, not just people who I think have hurt me, but myself. Before I can forgive, however, I believe I have to figure out the pain, acknowledge it, honor it and let it go. Because it has served a purpose. It has brought me to where I am today.

The pain I’m in is because I’m not expressing my soul authentically. So, so many of us aren’t.

So much of our lives is spent sleepwalking, chasing things we are “supposed” to chase, avoiding our bliss, that which we secretly want but are too afraid to seek. I think all of my angst about not having or even knowing what it is that I want is part of the awakening. And it’s terrifying. And the anxiety, and the depression, and the general malaise I’ve been feeling all point to the inautenticity of  how I’ve been living.

I believe I can have “things” and “do” and still live authentically. I have absolutely no idea how to do it. I have no good role models. I have no path.

What I do know is it’s about letting go of the lies I tell myself. It’s about being honest and stopping any and all shame about who I am and how I am. It’s about accepting myself fully, which I don’t know how to do.

So I’ll be looking for teachers. And angels. Both are all around me. I only need open my imagination and my vision to see.


1 Comment so far
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I can’t imagine why someone would think it dangerous to open up about how you are feeling. In fact, I would think it more dangerous not to, don’t you think? Better out than in and all that. And for what it is worth, I think you have chosen the right path in terms of following your heart and not others’ minds. You are not only a great writer, but a brave soul.

Comment by Squilla

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