human, being


Weekend report
May 17, 2009, 7:39 pm
Filed under: Depression

I just woke up from a three-hour nap.That’s after sleeping until 11 am. Lauren, in the meantime, painted her nails, watched the Suite Life of Zack & Cody and played outside with her friends.

I’m groggy but calm.

Steve and I have had some serious talks this weekend. I’ve cried … a lot. Which is unlike the Lynn of the past, so I think I still have a lot of crying to do, just to make up for suppressed tears. Crying is good. It’s cleansing. I tried to make him understand that what I need for him is simple: a kiss goodbye, a hug and kiss hello, the first things out of his mouth not being something about work, but about reconnecting with me.

After my post about Friday’s panic attack, my birthfather wrote a note on my FB page something about me needing to get to a narcotics anonymous meeting today. What? I’m having some sort of a nervous breakdown, not ODing on illegal drugs. I don’t do drugs. I had to send him a WTF email and delete his comment. It’s not the first time he’s tried to be “helpful” and had completely overstepped. I know he means well, but he doesn’t know me.

Right now, I’m just trying to make it through the day. And through tomorrow. And the next day.

Today, I actually ate a little. Nothing healthy, but food nonetheless. I also went shopping and almost charged a new cruiser bike. But then I stopped myself. I usually drug myself with spending when I’m feeling like crap. I didn’t. I did buy Lauren a Camelback for her trip to Moab with her dad. It’s pink, and cute. And useful.

Yesterday I slept until 9, had Lauren’s piano lesson. She was gone for the rest of the day and night at a birthday party and sleepover. Steve and I went to Boulder for a launch party for a book of short stories I have a piece published in. I read five pages in front of about 75 people. That was fun. Really fun. I love being on stage. And I did that again by singing karaoke at a sushi restaurant before heading home. I slept all the way.

I don’t know where I’m going from here. I can put on my happy face, like I always do. I can pretend like I’m OK. Or, I can stop the bullshit and acknowledge that I’m in a crisis.

I cut the clonazepam prescribed to me into quarters, and I’ve been taking 1 every 8 hours or so. It totally settles the chest pain, racing pulse, racing thoughts without knocking me out. Maybe it will work for work, until my 8 am appointment on Tuesday with the MD who specializes in depression and anxiety meds. And then I”ll maybe go see a friend’s therapist, even though she’s a 45 minute drive from my office. Maybe I can work it out with my boss and burn the time as sick time. Lord knows I have a lot of it–almost 20 days.

I’ve gone through something like this before, where life felt incredibly overwhelming. That was in 2005, and to get my life under control, I needed to take a leave of absence and spend a lot of cash on therapy. My parents helped pay for it. It helped.

I think the bottom line is that I generally think I can handle so much more than I can. So I stuff my feelings and I act strong and I try to do the right things like meditate and do yoga and that works for a while. Then it’s not enough so I start eating to numb myself, and then that’s not enough so I start spending to numb myself. And then that’s not enough so I start fantasize about getting out of it entirely, looking for someone who can get me a new identity so I can run away. And then something snaps and I lose it. Like I did on Friday.

And that’s where I am. Unable to focus, but finally, finally able to sleep. Sleep will help. Then I’ll start eating healthy again, and that will help. And I’ll refind balance and that will help. And then I’ll be able to live my life again.

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2 Comments so far
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Can I just say thanks you so much for writing this blog. The whole blog. You are an incredibly talented writer and reading this last entry I felt like I could have been talking to myself, except I haven’t got the words. Thank you so much. You have helped me (and I am sure many others)feel less alone today and I hope that by writing this comment I am somehow lending a little support. Life is surely the strangest journey. XXX

Comment by Squilla

Squilla,
Thank you. Someone told me I’m putting myself at grave risk by writing about what I’m writing about, sharing the details of my inner life. I told him that I do this because it is my therapy, it’s how I’m holding on by a thread, and also I know for sure that others who find this will know that they are not alone in their situation because someone on the other side of the world or the city or living on their block is in a similar place.

My blog is the only thing in my life right now that seems to have a purpose. So I’ll muster on. I don’t know that it will be pretty. But as I wrote in this post, if you don’t want to read it, avert your eyes.

Thanks for your comments, and for your support. It really does mean a lot.

Comment by humanbeingblog




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