human, being


Today, therapy
May 22, 2009, 9:35 am
Filed under: Depression | Tags: , , ,

Last night, I had a bizzare dream about the new therapist I’m seeing today. In the dream, she was a gypsy tarot reader/astrologer/psychic who came to my house, drew lines all over a piece of paper and told me this:

My love and my talent would soon converge because of the trine between Saturn, the Sun and Chiron in my chart. It was all destined to happen TODAY! Poof! In an INSTANT!

And then, she held out her hand, twitched her moley eye, and asked for 30 bucks. And THEN, my apartment dining room (in some apartment I’d never seen before) was filled with all these weird white-caftan-clad people who set down a bunch of food on the table and commenced eating.

There was also something about running and hiding from bad guys, as usual, but I can’t remember the details.

It all had something to do with the fact that I start seeing a new therapist today. She came recommended by Laurel, my best friend, as someone who is practical, who actually gives you tools for dealing with the things you aren’t handling well in your life. Sounds good to me. I hope I like her.

She’ll be about the 7th therapist I’ve had in my life. It’s hard to find someone I click with, who I can open up with beyond a certain point. Obviously, from what I share in my blog, I’m able to open up pretty well with a lot of people, but I think for therapy to really work, you have to be able to get into the dark recesses of your head and heart. Those places don’ get disclosed to many people.

I haven’t always been a bellybutton gazer. It’s a new avocation, as of about the time of my divorce. I started waking up to my pain in a new way, and started clearing some of it away to expose parts of me that I finally liked. Now, I love selfhelp, spirituality, therapy. But I don’t do it well alone. I need guides.

My last therapist, R, was very esoteric. I saw him for 9 months. He challenged me intellectually. He made me understand that I am that girl with her finger stuck in the dyke too afraid to step away, because there’s all this stuff (which I see as murky sewage) just beneath the surface that I’ve just barely holding back. He asked me, when I was working on my depression, what would happen if I just didn’t go to work on days when I felt like shit, if I just allowed myself to feel the bad stuff, to feel it instead of avoiding it.  He helped me see that I am afraid, and I long for things and experiences that I’m afraid to go after, and that is at the bottom of my pain. But at a certain point, I felt like I was just not getting it.

My therapist before that, S, was wonderful. She helped me through my divorce, and through some of my intermediate mommy issues. After a year,  I hit a wall that I couldn’t get over regarding forgiveness. Forgiving, yeah, that’s a big freaking deal. It means letting go of certain pieces of myself that have been part of my identity for a long time–the victim, the martyr, the wounded child. I wasn’t ready.

I don’t know what I’m ready for now. I do know that I’m committed to the work: I’ve set aside enough money in my flexible spending account to have one visit per week for the next year.

The past five months have sucked. The past three weeks, as my level of anxiety has escallated–I believe due to the combination of more than enough sunlight and 150mg of Wellbutrin XL/day–life has been almost unbearable. But today, I feel a bit better.

It’s a journey, this life. Some parts of the road will be ridden with highway robbers, storms, ruts, swamps. Others will take me to heights where everything is clear, and clean, and wonderful. I’m ready to start meeting the road as it rises before me.

PS I did meet with a psychiatrist on Tuesday, which was a highly frustrating experience. Essentially, she is unwilling to change my medication right now, even though she also suspects it’s what’s making my anxiety so high-pitched and my tolerance so thin. She “needs more information” from me. She thinks she may move me to the SR version of Wellbutrin, which I’d take 2x daily for a while, then titrite down to 1x daily and maybe get completely off of it . I get to see her again next Tuesday for more evaluation. The pace is frustrating. However, I haven’t needed a sedative to hold it together for 2 days now, so maybe last Friday’s freak out was just a release of everything I’d been holding in for the previous months. I do feel much lighter than I have for a long time.

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2 Comments so far
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Hmmm… haven’t seen you here for a couple of days and you are usually such a prolific (and much appreciated) poster. I like to think that no news is good news and so hopefully your new therapist has turned out to be just the angel that you need. Looking forward to future reports. 😀

Comment by Squilla

ohh now I’m stalking you! hope all is good and your just enjoying the weather or taking a break.

Comment by Brandy




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