human, being

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Life feels better today

Today, I met with the MD again, and we agreed to a plan of stepping me down off the Wellbutrin XL. She gave me a scrip for the 75 mg SR version of the drug, which I am to take twice a day for five days, then once a day for five days, then be off until I feel like I need the support. She’s also given me a scrip for a faster-acting anti-anxiety med that I can use if I have another panic attack.

I don’t like the idea of having to use these drugs. At all. However, I need to get over it, because the bottom line is they make me able to function.

Update on new therapist Judi

At the same time, I’ve just started working with Judi, my new therapist, and after our first real session I believe that she’s the person I’ve been looking for to help me through this period of my life. I like her style. I like the fact that she recognizes I’ve done enough talk therapy over the past 5 years to make Woody Allen proud, but I’ve only moved about 500 yards from where I’ve started.

She uses a practice called PSYCH-K to “rewire” the subconscious beliefs that drive about 95% of behavior. I believe that thoughts are things, and thoughts are generated from personal and collective subconscious, so I can buy into this whole rewiring thing.

In fact, I’ve used self-help techniques such as affirmations and EFT for years to try to undo my self-destructive core beliefs. The problem is, without a guide, it’s hard to drill down to what those core beliefs are.

PSYCH-K uses muscle testing to identify which core beliefs are in action. Yesterday, Judi and I worked through a series of affirmations to get to the root of some of my discomfort. We tested a statement along the lines of  I am good enough and I matter, and we got a mixed response (neither affirmative or negative).

So I told her to break it in two: I do believe I am good enough.  However, I couldn’t even say the phrase I matter without crying.

Getting down to that core belief that I don’t matter is huge. I’ve been thinking about it for a full 24-hours now, and I can see how thinking I don’t matter drives so much of my behavior. Because I WANT to matter–to the world, to my family, to my friends, to Steve, to Lauren, to my coworkers, to my employer–so badly that I try to force it instead of  just accepting the fact that it’s true without any effort on my part.

I have also exhibited behavior that reinforces the belief that I don’t matter. It’s one of the roots of my depression. It stems from being put up for adoption and goes from there.

Somehow, getting to that understanding lifted everything that felt heavy off of me yesterday.

Coincidence? Day 56

And today, concidently, I finally got my period after 55 days of waiting. Maybe the past 10 days have been one long bout of PMS, because, like usual, now that it’s here I feel much better emotionally. Physically, not so much. But I’ll take nausea and cramping over depression and anxiety any day.

Bad summer TV

Which brings me to this: There is no longer anything worth watching on TV, except So You Think You Can Dance, which is my favorite talent show, as I’ve mentioned before. That means I have all this free time. And energy. And I don’t quite know what to do with myself. Here are some of my ideas

  • hosta_francee_mmGardening: Both ferret-proofing the back 14-feet and moving some things around and planting annuals. I’m not sure that I can move my bleeding heart and hostas now without killing them, though. Thank god for the CSU Extension Office–I’ll call them tomorrow.
  • Photo-taking: Anyone want to be my model? I want to practice my portrait photography this summer. I also want to practice my candid crowd photography. Since I don’t have room or correct sun for veggie gardening, I usually hit the Cherry Creek Farmers Market a lot, which is a great place to shoot with my long lens.
  • Writing: I have about 35 pages of a story that I think I could, with some effort, turn into a novel. A romance novel. Which I hate to read, but I think I’m destined to write. What else would all of those bad relationships have prepared me for? And since I have a laptop, I can sit outside on the patio near my little garden and write.
  • I want this for my birthday! Send $$!

    I want this for my birthday! Send $$!

    Biking: I haven’t been on my road bike in about 11 months. I was tempted to ride this weekend, but it rained (and rained, and rained, and rained) and I’m very catlike when it comes to getting wet. I think I’m in good enough shape to handle the 20-miles round-trip to the REI flagship and back on the Cherry Creek trail. I wish I had someone to ride with regularly still, but not crazy rides like those I led 2 years ago (come on, 50 miles and 10,000 feet of elevation gain every weekend?) I really, really want an Electra Townie bike in pink so that it’s easier for me to go on bike rides with Lauren. I mean who really wants to get all geared up to ride around the neighborhood? It’s almost $500, but maybe I’ll get some money for my birthday, which is a mere 2 weeks away.

  • Cool wine aerator

    Cool wine aerator

    Drinking wine: I bought this cool thing called a Vinturi Wine Aerator at Sur la Table yesterday (along with a new whetstone so I can sharpen my own knives). It makes cheap wine taste good and good wine taste great. We tried it on a two-day old (but sealed) bottle of Gustavo Thrace “The Third Bottle” red table wine last night, and it was FABulous. I picked up a bottle of Coppola Claret the other day after drinking it with Laurel the other night. $22 at the wine store–ouch! We still have three bottles from Steve’s wine of the month club selections to drink. Two are whites, not our favorites. Maybe if we pour them through the Vinturi they’ll taste better.


2 Comments so far
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So glad that you appear to be on the up and up. And anyone who knows how to make cheap wine taste good surely does matter! ;D Regardless, you matter, girl. Trust me. XXX

Comment by Squilla

Good to hear things are looking brighter! Don’t they say it’s darkest before dawn? I don’t know how they are but they do say a lot of things!
Psych-k sounds like the proper fitting key, it’s so good to find a therapist that works with you and for you!
Oh and hurray for Geminis! My birthday is next week AND I’ve had that Townie bike on my wish list for a long while! Now I’m adding that wine aerator to my wish list!

Comment by Brandy

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