human, being

May 27, 2009, 5:21 pm
Filed under: life

Last night, Steve and I were watching this very hilarious comic on TiVo and he was talking about how he was 40. I asked Steve, “God, he looks old. Do I look that old? You don’t look that old! And you’re already 40!”

Steve, being a closet diplomat, assured me that I don’t look a day over 32.

I was reading a blog a little earlier about a girl who feels old because she is graduating from college. College! And she’s worried about having to be an adult.

Well, honey, so am I. So am I. I mean, really, when I look deep inside of myself I feel MAYBE 30. 31 at the most. My little sister turned 34 today. WTF? So I feel younger than she really is.


I’m thinking that I’m going to wake up at any moment and, like that Newhart ending (shit, that ages me right there, huh), it’s all been a dream. And I’m still 19, and at Colorado State and in love with my college boyfriend. And my heart hasn’t been broken yet, and I haven’t gained and lost and gained 40 pounds. And I haven’t had a baby. I don’t have stretch marks on my boobs. My belly button is still perfectly round. I’ve never been in a car accident and I’ve not been through a divorce. My hair is still my natural color and PERMED. I have no debt.

But if life isn’t but a dream, then I know who I am, I have a brilliant, funny, gorgeous daughter, I’ve experienced real love, I own a house, I have a career, I’ve traveled a few places and done a few things. I’ve had orgasms–real, not faked–in exotic places. I’ve gotten over my sexual shame. I’ve learned that wine is delicious. I have friends who are really there for me, who have been for more than 20 years.

I remember in high school writing a letter to my 40-year-old self as a sociology assignment. It started off something like “If you haven’t killed yourself or died in a nuclear explosion, then good.” Yeah, I was happy on the outside and dark on the inside. I imagined 40 as so fucking OLD I could be dead by then. And here it comes. And I’m alive.

I’m sure over the next month I’m going to start freaking out. Steve did right around his birthday, and I thought to myself, Oh, I’ll handle it SO much better than him. HA! Famous last thoughts. Because I am starting to freak out, just a little.

Someone open that bottle of wine and pour me a glass. Or two.


5 Comments so far
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I am totally in love with you now in that non stalkery, hetero way. I turned 40 in 2005 and I swear I could not believe that I woke up the next day in one piece and the world had not gone to hell

Comment by jessica

*pours glass, gives it a whirl in the magic aerator, and hands it over*. I’m also 39 and there is definitely something about the big impending ‘Four Oh’ that feels like a hurdle. I also think “surely I can’t be 40? Doesn’t that mean I am supposed to have everything sorted and be living in my beautiful house with my beautiful life?” Heh! – obviously not.

At nearly 70, my Dad says he still feels exactly the same as when he was 21, just with a little more wisdom and a few more aches and pains. I am starting to fully understand what he means now.

Enjoy your last few weeks in the ‘dirty thirties’, love. And then bring on the ‘naughty forties’. See you there! πŸ˜€ XXX


Comment by Squilla

I LOVE non-stalkery/hetero love

Comment by humanbeingblog

If the 40s are supposed to be naughty, then I’m all in. It’s the old decrepit dried up 40s that I want no part of.

Comment by humanbeingblog

been 40 for nearly a year now…the sky doesn’t change colors, I still need 8 hours sleep, and I have not taken to exclusively wearing red and purple.

41 could be a problem tho…I will keep you posted πŸ˜‰

Comment by Laura Riffel

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