human, being

I’ve been an ad hoc user of psychics and tarot card readers for more than a decade. Yeah, yeah, it’s all hooey and these people are crooks out to steal your money and blah blah blah. Call me a sucker, but I really do believe that some people have deeper intuition and connection with the spiritual than others do. And I believe they can help give me insight into my own life.

I don’t use these services on a whim. I understand that it’s not typical that I’ll get a straight answer — and I should never expect a yes or no answer.

Given my current state of confusion, on Saturday I had a tarot reading with Kate, a woman I met at Full Moon Books in Lakewood about a year ago. We clicked then, and I saved her card for future reference. When we met at Starbucks in west Denver, we clicked again.

I chose 12 cards. We talked for 90 minutes. I left feeling better and worse, because as much as I know not to expect a clear answer or sign, I still wanted one. And didn’t get it. Thinking back, I also didn’t ask direct questions. I asked: What is next for me in my career? Not: What direction should I point myself. But maybe it doesn’t matter.

The themes:

• 6s and 6 month timeframes
• My life is a reflection of the turmoil in the world and some of this is out of my control
• It’s time to do more inner work
• My perfectionism, especially when it comes to my body and my health, is causing me to be in a war that is killing me
• I can’t solve it all at once, which is one reason why I feel so stuck.

Here’s what Kate and the cards said.

On work and career: Stop looking for the work and start looking for the people

• I have spent the past 12 to 18 months learning and gearing up for a move in my career. She felt some connection with Boston, not that I would move there, but that I would go there or meet someone from there who would be a mentor. A light-haired woman will be my mentor–either someone I come to know or someone whose work I read.
• I have spent all of my life looking for the work, the job, the perfect situation. Now it’s time for me to stop doing that and start paying attention to who is coming into my life. The work, she said, will come to me. I have to let go of the idea that I have to FIND it, and rather let it manifest through the people who appear.
• Marketing, market research, “new” medicine (blend of East/West perspectives), “green” work, and top thinkers are the themes she’s come up with.
• She said I should really listen to my intuition and get outside my comfort zone, especially when it comes to feelings about attending certain classes, seminars, conferences. I told her I have a deep interest in going to BlogHer this year, but don’t have the money. She immediately perked up and said, “Oh, yes, that would be a good idea!” She suggested that I set the intention to go and ask the Universe for the money. So, Universe: I intend to go to BlogHer this year. I graciously request the money to make it possible to go.
• She was the second person to tell me that I won’t fully come into my own professionally until my early 50s, and then I will be a public speaker who is well known.
• She said there is change brewing at my current job that will manifest in 4 to 6 months.

On the relationship: We have a deep strength.

• My relationship with Steve hinges on how he feels about himself. She said that when Steve has strong self-confidence, we are incredible together. When his self-confidence is low, we falter. Given that I didn’t say anything other than I wanted to know about my relationship, it was interesting how spot-on this was. Although, I hadn’t contributed our ups and downs to his self-confidence level per se.
• She said he’s at a crossroads (which he is). She said that he wants me to make the decision for him, and that I should not because other things I’ve decided for him have come back to bite me (and they have). He feels like he’s in a prison (interesting, because he used those exact words on Thursday night).
• She said that our conflict over my relationship with Ryan will continue until he decides to step out from between us and let us make our own way with it.
• Again, she said in 6 months, we’ll come to a point where we make a decision about whether we will move forward together or go our separate ways. I didn’t like to hear this, especially not with a timeline, because I think that can be self-perpetuating.
• With all of this in mind, she said that we have a deep strength and a deep love for each other, and when we draw on that and live from that place, that’s when we are great. So that’s what I’m going to focus on: remembering our strength.

On health: Perfectionism is my dragon

• I have been in a war with my body. (sure have)
• When I let go of my obsession with my body being perfect (weight, physical fitness, no illnesses, everything under control) my body will be perfect.
• The Fertility card came up: We discussed whether I want more children (I don’t), and the fact that I’ve been having all these female issues lately, including not getting my period in March (I’m not pregnant; 3 tests say no). She believes that I have great creativity that is waiting to be birthed, and the fact that I’m not paying attention to it is also causing me health problems, particularly mental health (stress) problems.
• She warned me to take care of my back, especially my mid- to low-back. I’ve had issues with that area in the past due to a bad car accident in 2003, but things have been good for about 2 years. So, I doubted her. Then, lo and behold, last night, salsa dancing, I got dipped funny, felt my back pop in a sick way, and today my sciatica pain is about an 8. I can’t sit for more than about 20 minutes. Where does the pain start? At my waistline, left side, travels into my butt, around my hip, into my knee. Yay!

Final cards: The Wish Card and the Dragonslayer

• I got the wish card. I wished for clarity in my life purpose. The next card was the dragonslayer. Gee, Universe, thanks for the clarity. But it got me thinking: What are my main dragons?

1. Perfectionism, especially about my body and health, which manifests in not even trying or giving up when I can’t be perfect, and so much ugly self-talk that I should be arrested for abuse. I want the perfect relationship. I want the perfect house. I want the perfect work situation. I want to be perfectly fulfilled and not feel a drop of discomfort. Hmm. And how’s that working for me?
2. Impatience.
3. Looking outside for the answers and trying to control the situation (aka, not trusting that my greatest good is unfolding and is mine if I just accept it).
4. Trying to “fix” everything at once and giving myself a hard time when I don’t have any focus. Which takes us back to #1.

Kate said the time is ripe for me to make lots of wishes, set as intentions. The reading had lots of cards about going within, inner journeys, etc. and looking for people–in other words: Stop trying to do it all on your own and let people help you, Lynn!

An interesting aside

On the way home from my reading, I was trying to get from Broadway south onto Speer to cut through Cherry Creek, and I couldn’t get over to the right. I grumbled as I drove up 6th Avenue. There are a lot of lights. I wanted to get home to start working on refinishing an old dresser.

As I neared Detroit, I was compelled to stop at this little store called Apothecary Tinctura. It’s an herb and gift store, catering to holistic and homeopathic medicine. There, I was compelled to ask about herbs to help me strengthen my meditation practice (hell, what practice? I should say start it!), and as Kristine was mixing me up a custom blend of Bach’s flower essences, I hear my name.

There was my friend Helen, who I’ve known for about 10 years. She’s an amazing graphic designer and a good friend. We don’t see each other but 2 or 3 times a year.

I started talking about why I was there, and we had a great conversation. Tomorrow we’re going to lunch to keep talking. She and I have always had this connection that allows us to be great brainstormers together. My best professional projects have been done with her.

I don’t believe in coincidences. She decided to stop there on a whim as well. Denver has more than 1.5 million people. We were supposed to meet on Saturday.

I’m paying attention, Universe.