human, being

Apparently, I’m not allowed
June 19, 2009, 5:08 pm
Filed under: therapy | Tags: , , ,

Today Judi, my therapist, and I began working on my core beliefs around money. We’re using a process called PSYCH-K, which uses a variety of energy points, body postures, movements, affirmations and muscle testing to identify and reformat misaligned subconscious beliefs. Yes, yes, a little “out there,” but then a lot of the stuff that seems to work for me tends to be unconventional. The conventional stuff helps a bit, but it seems to get more at the symptoms than the root cause of issues (see every blog since April re: Wellbutrin).

A little on the process

We use the process to identify which subconscious beliefs are driving certain situations in my life. I stand up with my chin level, eyes down and open and left arm extended. Judi asks me to repeat statements or answer questions. After each one, she tells me to “be strong,” then pushes down gently on my extended arm. If my arm moves, the answer is No or Weak. If my arm doesn’t move, the answer is Yes or Strong.

I’ve found that I can almost tell what the reaction will be when she asks the question or says the statement. For example:

  • My name is Lynn (yes)
  • My name is George (no)
  • Yes, yes, yes (strong)
  • No, no, no (weak)

Sometimes I can feel the Yes or No in my body before she touches my arm. Sometimes I can’t feel anything. Maybe I’m manipulating the result through my thoughts, maybe not. All I know is this work has led me to some interesting places so far.

After the initial setup, we start working on affirmations about the issue we’re working on. For example, around my beliefs about money:

  • Rich people are good people (no/weak)
  • I easily manifest more than what I need in abundance (no/weak)
  • Money is good (yes/strong)

When I get a weak/no response, we work on rewiring that belief by using different techniques, then retest the statement. If it’s still a weak/no, then we do another technique. If it’s strong, then we move on to a new statement.

I’m not allowed

Today while prone on a massage table, Judi standing over me with her index fingers pressing into the “sore spots” under my collarbones (the energetic spots for “self-worth”), it came to me that I’m not allowed to be rich. I’m not allowed to be thin. I’m not allowed to have a job that fulfills me personally and financially. I’m not allowed to NOT struggle and fight for the things I want. I’m not allowed to have an abundance of friends who stay close by. I’m not allowed to have nice things that stay nice. I’m not allowed to live my life in a healthy body. I’m not allowed to have anything in abundance–love, money, health, friends, nice things, etc., etc.. I’m NOT ALLOWED.

So, if I’m doing my best to live in a state of wealth consciousness–wealth being more than money, but the whole realm of abundance of good things–yet on a subconscious level I believe I’m not allowed to have and, more importantly, to KEEP wealth, there’s a problem. Because the Spiritual Law of Attraction works on what you allow into your life. And while I’ve had all of these things for short periods of time, they never stick. Which means I’m only allowing so much good to come into my life. I don’t deserve more. I don’t deserve to have it all. So the Universe hears that, and I manifest all sorts of situations in my life that reinforce all of my core beliefs. That’s how it works.

Today, as I meditated on the thought I am worthy of all the good life has to offer, I realized that  believe I’m only allowed to have so much. If I actually get all that I really want, then I become self-destructive, because (drumroll please) …

Having everything I really want is SELFISH.

(Thanks, Mom.)

(Doesn’t it feel great to blame someone for your own fucked-upedness?)

So, see, I’m allowed to have SOME good things, but just all the good things I want. And certainly not all at the same time. When I get more than what I’m allowed, then my subconscious puts out a call to the Universe for help to clear out some of this shit so I can get back into balance of what I AM allowed to have.

For example, just as I was paying off my credit cards last summer, after two years of very diligent work, Steve lost his job. Which meant that the cushion I was enjoying because he was paying half (vs. now 30%) of the bills went away. Which meant that the things I was once again used to buying with cash I started putting on credit. Which meant that one year later I’m almost maxed out again. Now, I’m not saying that I have the power to cause a multi-billion-dollar company (Countrywide) to go out of business and cause my partner to lose his job. However, because I have these core beliefs in place, and Steve lost his job, my reaction wasn’t one of tightening my belt but one of, “Oh well, it’s par for the course, and here I go back into debt again.”

And the kicker is this: I believe it’s OK to have an abundance of things I DON’T want, such as body fat, health issues, stress, debt, car accidents, bad boyfriends, etc., etc. Because SOMEONE on this earth needs to be a martyr and it may as well be me.

I’ve never had this insight before, and I’ve been working on personal insight as a part-time job since 2004. Maybe I’d have gotten here eventually, but I’m clear that my self-worth issues and my “not allowed” issues are twisted up in each other. I don’t believe in coincidences, and Judi was holding those self-worth points when I had this little insight.


Random Tuesday Thoughts

Life feels better today

Today, I met with the MD again, and we agreed to a plan of stepping me down off the Wellbutrin XL. She gave me a scrip for the 75 mg SR version of the drug, which I am to take twice a day for five days, then once a day for five days, then be off until I feel like I need the support. She’s also given me a scrip for a faster-acting anti-anxiety med that I can use if I have another panic attack.

I don’t like the idea of having to use these drugs. At all. However, I need to get over it, because the bottom line is they make me able to function.

Update on new therapist Judi

At the same time, I’ve just started working with Judi, my new therapist, and after our first real session I believe that she’s the person I’ve been looking for to help me through this period of my life. I like her style. I like the fact that she recognizes I’ve done enough talk therapy over the past 5 years to make Woody Allen proud, but I’ve only moved about 500 yards from where I’ve started.

She uses a practice called PSYCH-K to “rewire” the subconscious beliefs that drive about 95% of behavior. I believe that thoughts are things, and thoughts are generated from personal and collective subconscious, so I can buy into this whole rewiring thing.

In fact, I’ve used self-help techniques such as affirmations and EFT for years to try to undo my self-destructive core beliefs. The problem is, without a guide, it’s hard to drill down to what those core beliefs are.

PSYCH-K uses muscle testing to identify which core beliefs are in action. Yesterday, Judi and I worked through a series of affirmations to get to the root of some of my discomfort. We tested a statement along the lines of  I am good enough and I matter, and we got a mixed response (neither affirmative or negative).

So I told her to break it in two: I do believe I am good enough.  However, I couldn’t even say the phrase I matter without crying.

Getting down to that core belief that I don’t matter is huge. I’ve been thinking about it for a full 24-hours now, and I can see how thinking I don’t matter drives so much of my behavior. Because I WANT to matter–to the world, to my family, to my friends, to Steve, to Lauren, to my coworkers, to my employer–so badly that I try to force it instead of  just accepting the fact that it’s true without any effort on my part.

I have also exhibited behavior that reinforces the belief that I don’t matter. It’s one of the roots of my depression. It stems from being put up for adoption and goes from there.

Somehow, getting to that understanding lifted everything that felt heavy off of me yesterday.

Coincidence? Day 56

And today, concidently, I finally got my period after 55 days of waiting. Maybe the past 10 days have been one long bout of PMS, because, like usual, now that it’s here I feel much better emotionally. Physically, not so much. But I’ll take nausea and cramping over depression and anxiety any day.

Bad summer TV

Which brings me to this: There is no longer anything worth watching on TV, except So You Think You Can Dance, which is my favorite talent show, as I’ve mentioned before. That means I have all this free time. And energy. And I don’t quite know what to do with myself. Here are some of my ideas

  • hosta_francee_mmGardening: Both ferret-proofing the back 14-feet and moving some things around and planting annuals. I’m not sure that I can move my bleeding heart and hostas now without killing them, though. Thank god for the CSU Extension Office–I’ll call them tomorrow.
  • Photo-taking: Anyone want to be my model? I want to practice my portrait photography this summer. I also want to practice my candid crowd photography. Since I don’t have room or correct sun for veggie gardening, I usually hit the Cherry Creek Farmers Market a lot, which is a great place to shoot with my long lens.
  • Writing: I have about 35 pages of a story that I think I could, with some effort, turn into a novel. A romance novel. Which I hate to read, but I think I’m destined to write. What else would all of those bad relationships have prepared me for? And since I have a laptop, I can sit outside on the patio near my little garden and write.
  • I want this for my birthday! Send $$!

    I want this for my birthday! Send $$!

    Biking: I haven’t been on my road bike in about 11 months. I was tempted to ride this weekend, but it rained (and rained, and rained, and rained) and I’m very catlike when it comes to getting wet. I think I’m in good enough shape to handle the 20-miles round-trip to the REI flagship and back on the Cherry Creek trail. I wish I had someone to ride with regularly still, but not crazy rides like those I led 2 years ago (come on, 50 miles and 10,000 feet of elevation gain every weekend?) I really, really want an Electra Townie bike in pink so that it’s easier for me to go on bike rides with Lauren. I mean who really wants to get all geared up to ride around the neighborhood? It’s almost $500, but maybe I’ll get some money for my birthday, which is a mere 2 weeks away.

  • Cool wine aerator

    Cool wine aerator

    Drinking wine: I bought this cool thing called a Vinturi Wine Aerator at Sur la Table yesterday (along with a new whetstone so I can sharpen my own knives). It makes cheap wine taste good and good wine taste great. We tried it on a two-day old (but sealed) bottle of Gustavo Thrace “The Third Bottle” red table wine last night, and it was FABulous. I picked up a bottle of Coppola Claret the other day after drinking it with Laurel the other night. $22 at the wine store–ouch! We still have three bottles from Steve’s wine of the month club selections to drink. Two are whites, not our favorites. Maybe if we pour them through the Vinturi they’ll taste better.