human, being

Apparently, I’m not allowed
June 19, 2009, 5:08 pm
Filed under: therapy | Tags: , , ,

Today Judi, my therapist, and I began working on my core beliefs around money. We’re using a process called PSYCH-K, which uses a variety of energy points, body postures, movements, affirmations and muscle testing to identify and reformat misaligned subconscious beliefs. Yes, yes, a little “out there,” but then a lot of the stuff that seems to work for me tends to be unconventional. The conventional stuff helps a bit, but it seems to get more at the symptoms than the root cause of issues (see every blog since April re: Wellbutrin).

A little on the process

We use the process to identify which subconscious beliefs are driving certain situations in my life. I stand up with my chin level, eyes down and open and left arm extended. Judi asks me to repeat statements or answer questions. After each one, she tells me to “be strong,” then pushes down gently on my extended arm. If my arm moves, the answer is No or Weak. If my arm doesn’t move, the answer is Yes or Strong.

I’ve found that I can almost tell what the reaction will be when she asks the question or says the statement. For example:

  • My name is Lynn (yes)
  • My name is George (no)
  • Yes, yes, yes (strong)
  • No, no, no (weak)

Sometimes I can feel the Yes or No in my body before she touches my arm. Sometimes I can’t feel anything. Maybe I’m manipulating the result through my thoughts, maybe not. All I know is this work has led me to some interesting places so far.

After the initial setup, we start working on affirmations about the issue we’re working on. For example, around my beliefs about money:

  • Rich people are good people (no/weak)
  • I easily manifest more than what I need in abundance (no/weak)
  • Money is good (yes/strong)

When I get a weak/no response, we work on rewiring that belief by using different techniques, then retest the statement. If it’s still a weak/no, then we do another technique. If it’s strong, then we move on to a new statement.

I’m not allowed

Today while prone on a massage table, Judi standing over me with her index fingers pressing into the “sore spots” under my collarbones (the energetic spots for “self-worth”), it came to me that I’m not allowed to be rich. I’m not allowed to be thin. I’m not allowed to have a job that fulfills me personally and financially. I’m not allowed to NOT struggle and fight for the things I want. I’m not allowed to have an abundance of friends who stay close by. I’m not allowed to have nice things that stay nice. I’m not allowed to live my life in a healthy body. I’m not allowed to have anything in abundance–love, money, health, friends, nice things, etc., etc.. I’m NOT ALLOWED.

So, if I’m doing my best to live in a state of wealth consciousness–wealth being more than money, but the whole realm of abundance of good things–yet on a subconscious level I believe I’m not allowed to have and, more importantly, to KEEP wealth, there’s a problem. Because the Spiritual Law of Attraction works on what you allow into your life. And while I’ve had all of these things for short periods of time, they never stick. Which means I’m only allowing so much good to come into my life. I don’t deserve more. I don’t deserve to have it all. So the Universe hears that, and I manifest all sorts of situations in my life that reinforce all of my core beliefs. That’s how it works.

Today, as I meditated on the thought I am worthy of all the good life has to offer, I realized that  believe I’m only allowed to have so much. If I actually get all that I really want, then I become self-destructive, because (drumroll please) …

Having everything I really want is SELFISH.

(Thanks, Mom.)

(Doesn’t it feel great to blame someone for your own fucked-upedness?)

So, see, I’m allowed to have SOME good things, but just all the good things I want. And certainly not all at the same time. When I get more than what I’m allowed, then my subconscious puts out a call to the Universe for help to clear out some of this shit so I can get back into balance of what I AM allowed to have.

For example, just as I was paying off my credit cards last summer, after two years of very diligent work, Steve lost his job. Which meant that the cushion I was enjoying because he was paying half (vs. now 30%) of the bills went away. Which meant that the things I was once again used to buying with cash I started putting on credit. Which meant that one year later I’m almost maxed out again. Now, I’m not saying that I have the power to cause a multi-billion-dollar company (Countrywide) to go out of business and cause my partner to lose his job. However, because I have these core beliefs in place, and Steve lost his job, my reaction wasn’t one of tightening my belt but one of, “Oh well, it’s par for the course, and here I go back into debt again.”

And the kicker is this: I believe it’s OK to have an abundance of things I DON’T want, such as body fat, health issues, stress, debt, car accidents, bad boyfriends, etc., etc. Because SOMEONE on this earth needs to be a martyr and it may as well be me.

I’ve never had this insight before, and I’ve been working on personal insight as a part-time job since 2004. Maybe I’d have gotten here eventually, but I’m clear that my self-worth issues and my “not allowed” issues are twisted up in each other. I don’t believe in coincidences, and Judi was holding those self-worth points when I had this little insight.


Today, therapy
May 22, 2009, 9:35 am
Filed under: Depression | Tags: , , ,

Last night, I had a bizzare dream about the new therapist I’m seeing today. In the dream, she was a gypsy tarot reader/astrologer/psychic who came to my house, drew lines all over a piece of paper and told me this:

My love and my talent would soon converge because of the trine between Saturn, the Sun and Chiron in my chart. It was all destined to happen TODAY! Poof! In an INSTANT!

And then, she held out her hand, twitched her moley eye, and asked for 30 bucks. And THEN, my apartment dining room (in some apartment I’d never seen before) was filled with all these weird white-caftan-clad people who set down a bunch of food on the table and commenced eating.

There was also something about running and hiding from bad guys, as usual, but I can’t remember the details.

It all had something to do with the fact that I start seeing a new therapist today. She came recommended by Laurel, my best friend, as someone who is practical, who actually gives you tools for dealing with the things you aren’t handling well in your life. Sounds good to me. I hope I like her.

She’ll be about the 7th therapist I’ve had in my life. It’s hard to find someone I click with, who I can open up with beyond a certain point. Obviously, from what I share in my blog, I’m able to open up pretty well with a lot of people, but I think for therapy to really work, you have to be able to get into the dark recesses of your head and heart. Those places don’ get disclosed to many people.

I haven’t always been a bellybutton gazer. It’s a new avocation, as of about the time of my divorce. I started waking up to my pain in a new way, and started clearing some of it away to expose parts of me that I finally liked. Now, I love selfhelp, spirituality, therapy. But I don’t do it well alone. I need guides.

My last therapist, R, was very esoteric. I saw him for 9 months. He challenged me intellectually. He made me understand that I am that girl with her finger stuck in the dyke too afraid to step away, because there’s all this stuff (which I see as murky sewage) just beneath the surface that I’ve just barely holding back. He asked me, when I was working on my depression, what would happen if I just didn’t go to work on days when I felt like shit, if I just allowed myself to feel the bad stuff, to feel it instead of avoiding it.  He helped me see that I am afraid, and I long for things and experiences that I’m afraid to go after, and that is at the bottom of my pain. But at a certain point, I felt like I was just not getting it.

My therapist before that, S, was wonderful. She helped me through my divorce, and through some of my intermediate mommy issues. After a year,  I hit a wall that I couldn’t get over regarding forgiveness. Forgiving, yeah, that’s a big freaking deal. It means letting go of certain pieces of myself that have been part of my identity for a long time–the victim, the martyr, the wounded child. I wasn’t ready.

I don’t know what I’m ready for now. I do know that I’m committed to the work: I’ve set aside enough money in my flexible spending account to have one visit per week for the next year.

The past five months have sucked. The past three weeks, as my level of anxiety has escallated–I believe due to the combination of more than enough sunlight and 150mg of Wellbutrin XL/day–life has been almost unbearable. But today, I feel a bit better.

It’s a journey, this life. Some parts of the road will be ridden with highway robbers, storms, ruts, swamps. Others will take me to heights where everything is clear, and clean, and wonderful. I’m ready to start meeting the road as it rises before me.

PS I did meet with a psychiatrist on Tuesday, which was a highly frustrating experience. Essentially, she is unwilling to change my medication right now, even though she also suspects it’s what’s making my anxiety so high-pitched and my tolerance so thin. She “needs more information” from me. She thinks she may move me to the SR version of Wellbutrin, which I’d take 2x daily for a while, then titrite down to 1x daily and maybe get completely off of it . I get to see her again next Tuesday for more evaluation. The pace is frustrating. However, I haven’t needed a sedative to hold it together for 2 days now, so maybe last Friday’s freak out was just a release of everything I’d been holding in for the previous months. I do feel much lighter than I have for a long time.